It’s been a while, hasn’t it? And I’ve wanted to publish a new post for so long. But, truthfully, I’ve been struggling with words.
Christmas was such a whirlwind that I think I ran out of steam. And then this morning I realised that life doesn’t ever slow down, does it? It keeps going, and our problems change and our lives rearrange. That might sound like stating the blindingly obvious, but, for someone who struggles with anxiety, change is never as good as a holiday. Probably because I get anxious about travelling and holidays, too… You get the gist.
If you follow me over on Instagram, you’ll have seen our exciting announcement about the teeny tiny addition to our family that we are expecting. We are so very happy and feel so very lucky. But, a little scared too. The idea of becoming a mum is one I can’t yet quite get my head around. Probably because I know that it’s the most important job I’ll ever, ever do. And, as I mentioned, I’m not brilliant with change. Even big exciting ones. When change is on the horizon I tend to retreat into myself and convince myself that whatever it is, and whatever evidence to the contrary that I have, that I won’t be able to cope with it. The kind of amazing thing about being pregnant though, is however scared I am of not knowing how to do, well, any of this, I have this tiny little being who nudges me, from time to time, and tells me that I’ve got this. It’s probably the most magical thing I’ve ever, ever felt.
So, I guess in a roundabout way, I think I’ve been in something of a rut for the past few months. One in which I haven’t been sure which way is up- or where my new normal will be. And that’s stopped me from speaking as candidly as I normally do about life and it being hard. But the truth is, it is hard. And that’s something I think we all feel, from time to time. The same way we all feel lost, and like we’re probably the only people who didn’t get the memo on how to adult.
Maybe the truth is that we don’t need to know how to do it. And that sometimes it’s okay to lose our spark. Because maybe the best that any of us can do is muddle through. To face the uncertainty, the anxiety. And maybe, just maybe doing that is what makes us heroes in the first place.
So, I’m back, friends. I’m stepping out from the shadows that I shrouded myself in for a little while there, and I’m here to work through all of this difficult scary stuff. And I’d really love it if we could do it together. Because this difficult stuff, it will pass. And we’ll move on to the bigger, better things that are waiting just around the corner. But, it’s a whole lot less lonely when we tackle it together.
‘It’s okay if you fall down and lose your spark. Just make sure that when you get back up, you rise as the whole damn fire.’ – Colette Werden
Here’s to rising together, friends. Let’s do this.
With all of our love, always,
Caitie, and, of course, Soda (oh, and Bump, too!)